The Waiting Game
by w0lfermelon
Summary: Non-magical AU. Remus has been in love with Sirius for almost as long as he's known him, and most think that Sirius loves him back. The only problem is that Sirius doesn't seem to agree. Remus has been told that he needs to play the waiting game, but there's only so long someone can hold on.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:**** The Waiting Game**

**Summary:**** Modern day, non-magical AU. Remus has been in love with Sirius for almost as long as he's known him, and the general consensus is that Sirius loves him back. The only problem is that Sirius hasn't shown it, at all. Remus has been told that he needs to play the waiting game, but there's only so long a person can wait without watching their life disappear in front of them.**

**Warnings:**** Strong language, sex references and sexual behaviour, death of a major character.**

**A/N:**** I didn't plan to start writing this, let alone post it, until I'd finished Wonderless, my Tedtoire fanfiction. But Remus' biography being released on Pottermore put me in the mood to write Wolfstar because I give no fucks about canonity, and I needed something about them being together to ease the pain of reading about how much his life sucked. As such, I'm not sure how frequent or fast updates to this will be, but I promise it will update.**

**Also posted on archiveofourown under the pen name Elvamire.**

People were screaming in the school, louder and more excited than Remus had ever believed was possible. It was a sound of pure exuberance and joy; the sound of freedom. His fellow Year 13's were racing through the corridors, and the prize was the claim of being the first one to get out of the door at the end of their school career.

Remus himself was somewhat slower, and infinitely more calm. He quietly packed his books away into his bag and moved towards the front of the classroom which was now empty, the other teenagers having fled the moment they could. He approached the teacher's desk, who had been watching him curiously, wondering at why he hadn't left with everyone else.

"Yes, Lupin?" Ms. McGonagall asked, looking up at the young boy with one perfectly pencilled eyebrow raised.

"I just wanted to say thank you." Remus said, his hands clutching the leather strap of his bag where it was slung over his shoulder. He didn't look at his teacher, but rather down at her desk, his gaze focused on the dog-eared copy of _The Catcher in the Rye_ that lay there. "For being such a good teacher for as long as I've been in this school. It's really meant a lot to me, and if I manage to get into Cambridge, I know it'll be thanks to you."

McGonagall was quiet for a moment.

"You're welcome, Lupin. I was just doing my job, but… you're welcome." She paused. "And I hope you _do_ get a place. Lord only knows you deserve it."

Remus beamed.

"Thank you, Ma'am." He said, before turning and hurrying out of the classroom in the wake of his peers.

His friends were already outside in the grounds, whooping and cheering with everybody else. Peter watched nervously as Sirius and James messed around, the former having climbed onto the latter's shoulder and being given a ride in endless circles in the middle of a cheering crowd.

"Moony!" Sirius roared upon catching sight of him, waving frantically with both arms as if he was somehow hard to see despite sitting on the shoulders of a six-foot boy. "Get over here!"

Remus rolled his eyes slightly, but started towards the throng of people gathered around his friends anyway, his gaze focused on Sirius the entire time. He really was beautiful, Remus thought. He knew most of the girls in the school did, actually, and he didn't blame them. Sirius was classically handsome, with high, defined cheekbones and an aristocratic jaw line, with his shaggy, shining black hair falling down around his face and a permanent mischievous glint in his grey eyes.

The skinny teenager shouldered past a dark haired girl who was staring at Sirius in other adoration, finally breaking through the crowd into the small space on the field where the Marauders cavorted. The name for their little gang- indeed, the little gang itself- seemed almost silly now, but it remained, a relic from the days when they'd first started attending Hogwarts.

Aside from his friends, the only other person to break through the crowd was Lily Evans, redheaded and breathtaking as she watched James in affectionate disapproval. She smiled faintly upon seeing Remus though, stepping slightly closer to him.

"Sirius is going to get himself killed." She pointed out, rather light-heartedly and with a faint smirk. Lily alone had, somehow, become the only one that Remus had ever disclosed his true feelings to. He hadn't known her very well until she started going out with James, but now she was just as good a friend to him as the Marauders were. Funny, that.

"Either that, or he'll crush James." Remus offered, shrugging slightly but still watching his two friends out of the corner of his eye. James veered rather sharply and suddenly to the side, tipping Sirius off his shoulders. He yelled, but somehow managed to roll on the grass and jump right back up, surprisingly elegantly. There was a raucous cheer from the crowd, and Sirius bowed deeply.

He jogged over to Remus, pulling him into a tight hug that rendered him breathless for more reasons than one.

"We're done, mate!" He exclaimed, jumping up and punching the air. "Finished!"

"You are a foot away from me, Sirius. I can hear you perfectly fine." Remus pointed out. Before he had a chance to say anything else, Sirius had grabbed his hands and was dragging him on some kind of demented waltz around the grounds, to the many wolf whistles of the assembled crowd.

"School's out!" Sirius cheered.

"Not exactly, we don't leave until…" Remus trailed off when he realised he was being ignored, simply allowing himself to be dragged along with his mad friend. He couldn't blame him for wanting to celebrate; it was their last day of school, even if they didn't officially leave Hogwarts until Sunday. The disadvantages of attending a prestigious boarding school, Remus supposed. Well, one disadvantage of many.

"Think of the parties, Moony!" Sirius grinned, spinning Remus around in a twirl that made him stumble and grab at his back to stop it from slipping off his shoulder. "This weekend will have the best leaving parties known to human kind!"

"You're only saying that because you're hosting them." Remus said, smiling despite himself as he finally managed to pull away from Sirius.

"And _that_ is why they'll be great, my dear, darling Moony." Sirius said.

**XXX**

As it turned out, the party was not what Remus would have called the best, but then again, he was not a party person. His favourite party had been regarded by James and Sirius as a disaster, as only two girls from three years below them had turned up and the night had been spent in awkward silence. Remus had read.

This party, though, he knew Sirius would regard as a success. There was more alcohol than there were people, and someone had produced multi-coloured Christmas lights and various disco lights to illuminate the otherwise dark dormitory. The rivalry with Slytherin house had been temporarily forgotten so they could invite the entirety of Year 13, so the room was stuffed to the gills with people. Music pounded, drink was spilt, food was thrown. Remus thought that, if hell existed, this would be it.

In the midst of his misery, he didn't notice Lily, carrying two bottles of beer, until she sat down beside him and handed him the unopened one. Remus stared at it like it was a book written in a foreign language.

"Everyone else seems to be having fun." Lily said, shouting to be heard over the music. She was wearing a teal party dress that brought out the colour in her eyes, and Remus might have told her so if he didn't fear James might kill him for even thinking something complimentary about her.

Still, Remus looked out over the party again with Lily's statement in mind, and found he agreed with it. Peter, somehow, had ended up doing shots of some Year 11 who'd snuck in, the closest he'd been to a girl since he was thirteen. James' tie had found its way up around his head as he gyrated his hips drunkenly. Sirius was in one of the armchairs, the same black-haired girl who'd been looking at him earlier sat in his lap, whispering in his ear. Remus felt a sort of internal explosion in his stomach, like he'd been punched in the gut. It was not at all unfamiliar to him.

"If by everyone you mean my friends, I think you're right." He shouted back, passing the beer bottle back over to Lily. "And I don't drink."

"Even now that it's legal?" Lily seemed vaguely surprised. Remus shook his head.

"I think I might go upstairs." He told her, getting up out of the abused armchair. He didn't like parties, and he liked seeing girls sitting on Sirius even less. He could cope with being in love with him, with having his feelings not returned, but not with seeing him with someone else. He had a limited tolerance for these things, and it had been surpassed last year, perhaps earlier.

Leaving Lily sitting alone, Remus picked his way carefully through the party to the stairs that led up to the boys' dormitory, dodging his way past a forlorn-looking Severus Snape sitting on the bottom step and seeming intent on drinking himself to death. He crept quietly up to the dormitory and pulled back the curtains around his bed, lying down on his back and staring upwards with a soft sigh. His spine ached as it adjusted to lying straight, rather than being bent in half over a book. Trying to sleep would have been useless, since he could still hear the thud of music from below him. It wasn't even good music, in Remus' opinion, otherwise he might not have minded it so much.

He'd lain by himself in the darkened dormitory for about a quarter of an hour when he heard the music swell louder for a moment, then a quiet creak and click before it quietened again- someone entering the room. They'd be able to see Remus right away, since he hadn't drawn the curtains closed around his bed. He glanced over at them.

Sirius was walking towards him with surprising coordination for an undoubtedly drunk person- Remus could already smell the alcohol on him.

Sirius sat down on the bed, and then almost immediately after, flopped over to lie across Remus' legs.

"Why did you leave the bloody party, Moony?" He asked, squirming to lie on top of Remus, who frowned. He hated Sirius when he was drunk.

"You know I don't like parties." He replied, trying to be patient.

"It's still my sodding party. _Look at me_, Remus."

"Your breath stinks." Remus said matter-of-factly. "And you swear far too much when you're drunk."

"Wanker."

"Well, I'm _sorry_ if I don't enjoy being ignored in a corner while you and James get drunk and abandon Peter so that you can sleep with some girl." Remus snapped. Sirius blinked slowly, tilting his head in apparent confusion.

"I don't fuck girls." He pointed out. Remus didn't believe that for a second, but he decided to give his best friend the benefit of the doubt.

"Flirt, then." He amended. "That- what's her name? Marlene, that Marlene was all over you downstairs. Slobbering in your ear." He teased, trying to lighten the mood a little. However, Sirius didn't seem inclined to be anything but serious.

"And? It was her who was bloody doing it, not me." Sirius pointed out, again squirming on top of Remus and moving up so they were face to face. Remus blushed. "I never flirt back, 'cept as a fucking joke. I don't shag girls." He breathed in and out heavily, and Remus gagged; tasting the alcohol in the exhalation. "Can I tell you a secret? Big bloody secret. Big as my cock." Remus had the chance to neither roll his eyes nor reply before Sirius was continuing. "I don't like girls. At all. Never understood why Prongs found Evans so bloody lovely. I've thought and thought and I know now, Remus, I know I'm gay. _So_ gay. I don't want to fuck girls. I think I want to fuck you."

Time seemed to stop for Remus. He was acutely aware of the weight of Sirius' toned body above him, of how tightly the other boy's shirt and jeans clung to his skin; his lips were parted slightly, and he licked them so that they glinted in the low light. Remus thought he might have broken into a sweat.

Then came the immortal question.

"Do you want to fuck me, Remus?"

Remus could never truly say why he did what he did next. It was reckless, and out of character for him, but something in the moment and the look in Sirius' eyes and the way the moonlight outlined the contours of his chest visible with the low neck of his shirt just made him want to kiss him so badly it was an almost physical ache.

So he did kiss him; it was Remus' first kiss. And it was not so much a kiss as a violent clashing of lips, with Sirius' teeth immediately crashing into his skin and tearing it open. Bleeding but not caring, Remus kept kissing him, and Sirius wrapped his arms around him and crushed their bodies together, their legs falling in a tangle between each other.

Remus' hands found and grabbed at the leather dog collar Sirius wore around his neck, and his hair and the studded belt on his jeans. Likewise, Sirius' fingernails raked up Remus' chest, taking his shirt with it so that Sirius' clothing was scratchy against his bare skin. He kept kissing him, harder and harder, and they pressed against each other like they wanted to merge into one being.

Despite his intake of alcohol, Remus could feel something hard pressing against his thigh, and he was in much the same state. He felt far too hot, his skin already damp with sweat, but when he pulled away for air Sirius didn't stop kissing him. He kissed a line down his neck and then down his bare chest, catching the skin of his stomach between his teeth and tugging, a harsh nip that left a bruise and wrought a gasp from Remus' lips. As if from a distance, he heard himself moaning. Sirius' lips abused his stomach, moving down so that he was planting kisses right above Remus' belt buckle and oh God, was he going to suck him off?

There was an abrupt halt to the proceedings. Sirius sat bolt upright, his eyes widening and his hand clamped over his mouth. He looked faintly green.

"I'm going to be sick." He warned, jumping off the bed faster than Remus had ever seen him move before and staggering towards the bathroom. He didn't make it. Instead, he fell, grabbing at the handle on a nightstand on his way down, accidentally pulling it open and then unceremoniously throwing up into Peter's sock drawer.

Without Sirius' lips on his skin to fog his mind, Remus' senses returned to him. He sat up, pulling his shirt back down to where it was supposed to be and grimacing at the sounds of Sirius voiding the contents of his stomach. Poor Peter.

Gasping, Sirius got shakily up and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand, staggering back over to Remus' bed and collapsing onto it with him; trembling as he curled up against his side and clung to him like a persistent koala bear.

"You smell." Remus complained good-naturedly. He had no intentions of sending Sirius away.

"'M so fucking sorry." Sirius mumbled against Remus' rib cage, and he had to wonder if it was just being sick that he was apologising for.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** In which I fall into the trap of the cliché end-of-school chapter, I can't help it.

Sometime during the night, Remus had fallen asleep despite Sirius' clinging presence in his bed, due to sheer exhaustion. On waking up in the morning, there was no fog of confusion about why his best friend was in his bed- he could remember the night before with crystal clarity. The dormitory was still empty aside from them, thank God.

Remus wrinkled his nose slightly as he looked down at Sirius, who was snoring gently and drooling on Remus' shirt. He looked and smelt like someone who had thrown up in a sock drawer several hours ago, and that wasn't exactly the type of person that Remus wanted clinging to him.

"Sirius." He said, nudging the dark haired boy gently. "Sirius, wake up. Please."

Sirius jerked awake when Remus' nudges grew more insistent, his eyes wide for a moment in confusion as he looked around the room. That stopped when he groaned and clutched at his head with his hands, burying his face in Remus' stomach. Remus squirmed uncomfortably.

"Good God." Sirius groaned, his voice slightly muffled. "I think I'm dying, Remus."

"No, you're hung over." Remus corrected him with a roll of his eyes. "There's a difference. Unlike dying, it can begin to be remedied with a shower and some water. And do brush your teeth." He said, not quite patiently.

Sirius made a puppy-like whining noise in the back of his throat, head butting Remus' hip. Remus glanced, briefly, at the ceiling as if he was asking for divine help.

"Well, if you don't, I'm going to." He said, wiggling out of Sirius' grip. "I don't want to lie next to someone who stinks of vomit."

"So cruel, Moony!" Sirius called after Remus as he headed to the bathroom, followed quickly by a curse at, Remus guessed, the pain it brought on in his head.

Remus stood in front of the sink in the bathroom, taking a deep breath and looking at himself in the mirror. There was a scab on his lip, red and sore and surrounded by smears of dried blood like red dust. His lips seemed bruised, too, swollen. Gingerly, he pulled his shirt up to examine the pink scratches that stretched from his collarbones to his stomach. There was a dark purple bruise on the skin there, a particularly aggressive love bite.

Remus raked his hands through his mousy hair and drew a shaky breath. It wasn't like Sirius to skirt around the elephant in the room, especially when there was a reminder of it's presence in the form of Remus' scabbed lips. That, and the bruise, the scratches, proved Remus hadn't simply dreamed their kiss the night before.

So why hadn't Sirius said anything? Did he not remember? That was possible, Remus knew. He had been incredibly drunk. Maybe he didn't remember. It was an awful idea- Remus could recall every moment of the kiss in incredible, technicolor detail. His first kiss, and more than that, the first time he'd ever done something even close to admitting the way he felt about Sirius. That kiss had been important to him, and he didn't think the other party involved even remembered it.

He showered in silence, soapy fingers passing reverently over the marks on his pasty skin. They would fade in time. His lip would heal, and there would be nothing less than memories to prove to him that he _had_ kissed Sirius. He almost wanted them to stay on his body forever, as tangible reminders.

Remus emerged from the bathroom already dressed for the day. He felt twelve years old again, newly realising his feelings for his best friend and uncomfortable getting changed around him because of it. Sirius looked up at Remus from where he was still sprawled on the bed, dark circles under his eyes. He raised an eyebrow. Remus ignored it.

"Are we doing anything today?" Remus asked, sitting on the trunk that lay at the foot of James' bed. He was too honest-to-God shy and mildly mortified to bring up the kiss unless Sirius somehow did it first.

"Yeah, I think we're trawling the grounds as a sort of last goodbye with everyone." Sirius said, his voice muffled by the fact that he had buried his face in Remus' pillow with a groan.

"Then you definitely need to shower. You can't leave this room smelling like you do." Remus said primly.

Sirius sat up, running his fingers through his thick, dark hair and frowning at his fellow Marauder.

"You've turned into a right little bitch overnight, Moony." He observed. Remus stiffened.

"That was cruel. I'm just trying to look out for you." He protested. Sirius smirked.

"Ah, of course, mother Moony. Whatever will we do when you're no longer around to look after us?" It was becoming hard to tell whether he was still being completely sarcastic and inflammatory, or some honesty had crept into his words. Either way, Remus wasn't particularly happy about them.

"Oh, stop it." Remus snapped. "You'll have to find out come autumn anyway, I'll be at university and there's a chance I won't even see any of you again after that."

A flicker of something dark and bitter crossed Sirius' grey eyes. He got abruptly up off the bed and headed into the bathroom, not even bothering to close the door behind him. After a few moments, Remus heard the sound of running water. He sighed. Sudden bouts of inexplicable, unnecessary cruelty weren't new when it came to Sirius, but it was still unpleasant when they were directed at him rather than Snape or some other unfortunate Slytherin.

He began the process of making his bed while Sirius showered. He would have wanted to wash the sheets so they no longer smelled faintly of sweat and sick, but there was no point when he would only sleep in it for one more night. The thought of it was shocking, and he froze in the middle of tucking in the sheets. One more night at Hogwarts, and then no more.

It took a few minutes for Sirius to emerge from the bathroom, and Remus made himself look away while he was changing. He had fairly good knowledge of what Sirius looked like naked anyway- years of sharing a dormitory would do that- but he wasn't in the mood to see it again.

"I'd hazard a guess that Prongs and Evans are downstairs together." Sirius said, as Remus turned around just in time to see him pull a Misfits shirt over his head. "And God knows where Wormtail's got to. So we'll just meet him down there." His voice was still clipped, but at least a little warmer now.

Sirius had been correct. When they headed down into the common room Lily and James were asleep on one of the sofas, his arms wrapped protectively around her.

"Oi." Sirius said bluntly, nudging James with the toe of his booted foot until he managed to rouse him. "Get up. We've got a farewell tour to head off on."

"Are you kidding me?" James slurred, yawning while Lily rubbed sleep and smeared makeup from her eyes. "We still need to shower and everything. Where's Wormtail?"

There was a groan, and a thud from under the coffee table as- Remus bent down to look- Peter sat up underneath it and bumped his heart. Sirius looked mildly disgusted with his choice of friends.

"Fine, then." He sighed dramatically. "Moony and I will go, and you can come and find us when you're all ready. Come on, Moony." He grabbed Remus' wrist, leading him out of the dormitory and the castle that housed the school itself, into the grounds.

"You don't seem to be in a good mood this morning." Remus remarked dryly once they'd found themselves by the lake. Sirius said nothing, simply picking up a flat stone and skipping it across the still surface of the water.

"I'm not." He said finally. He didn't turn to look at Remus. He was focused on the stones. "We're leaving tomorrow, Remus. And we're not coming back this time, either." He paused. "Hogwarts was the first home I ever had, and I don't… I don't want to go."

Remus was quiet. He was still feeling a little bitter towards Sirius for his earlier behaviour, but mostly, he just didn't know what to say. He retreated to the willow tree by the lake shore, sitting against the trunk with his legs crossed.

The minutes passed in silence until the two boys noticed three figures approaching them. James had his arm around Lily's shoulder, and Peter looked sullen as he walked alongside them with his hands in his pockets.

James and Peter joined Sirius at the lake side, but Lily disentangled herself from her boyfriend and went to sit beside Remus under the tree.

"You look awful." She said softly. Remus snorted.

"You know how to make someone feel good about themselves." He said dryly. Lily rolled her eyes.

"You know what I mean." She said. She didn't ask, but the question was already implicit in what she'd said. Remus didn't answer it, at least not for a little while.

"Sirius kissed me last night." He lowered his voice, but there wasn't much need. Sirius and James were already roaring with laughter at some joke they'd told, Peter chuckling awkwardly beside them.

"It's about time!" Lily exclaimed. Remus shot her a mortified look and very nearly clamped his hand over her mouth.

"Shh!" He hissed. "And what do you mean, _it's about time_?"

Lily gave him a withering look.

"He's in love with you, Remus." She scoffed. "Everyone knows that."

Remus simply gaped at her for several seconds.

"He's bloody well _not_." He spluttered. "He doesn't love anyone- it's _Sirius_. And- and I kissed him, anyway, not the other way round."

"He still kissed you back." Lily assumed, admittedly correctly. "I'm telling you, Remus, he loves at you. He looks at you the same way that you look at him; the only difference is he's less obvious about it and it's more like he wants to shag you than cuddle you." She raised an eyebrow at the dumbfounded expression on Remus' face. "It's true. Even James agrees."

"You discuss this with James?" Remus blinked. Lily snorted.

"Don't pretend like you and Sirius don't gossip about us like teen girls."

"You're a teen girl." Remus frowned. "We're talking about Sirius, Lily. If he wanted to be with me, he would have asked me out by now. We both know that."

"Sirius has a line of issues a mile long because his parents were awful." Lily said bluntly. "He fancies the pants off you, Remus, he just can't admit it." She grabbed his hand and squeezed, and her green eyes shone as she smiled. "You just have to play the waiting game. He'll come around eventually. Come on, let's go over there."

They got up off the grass and Lily led him by the hand to the lakeside, where the other Marauders were gathered.

"Ah, the prodigals return." James grinned. "We were talking about plans for after school, Moony, it's right up your street. They have to be pretty definite now, no changing any minds."

"You all know what I'm doing." Remus pointed out. He'd been met with complaints since they were twelve about how he never actually shut up about his plans for finishing school. "University. English degree. Cambridge, if all goes exactly to plan. And then I'll write."

"You and me both, Remus." Lily smiled, going back over to stand with James. Automatically, his arm went around her waist. "Except nursing, and I'm not going anywhere like Cambridge."

"Because she wants to stay close to James." Peter snickered. Lily's gaze was sharp when it fell on him.

"Of course." She said. "What are your plans, Peter?" She asked with enough sweetness to poison something. Peter blinked.

"Work for my dad, probably." He said, stammering slightly.

"You'll be far away." James frowned, sounding genuinely upset. Peter looked uncomfortable.

"I won't be though, Prongs, mate." Sirius interjected quickly, before the conversation fell into melancholy. "I'm staying with your parents until you move out as well." He grinned.

Lily and James shared an uneasy look, so fast that Remus didn't think anyone else saw it.

"So it's really just me and Remus who've thought about the future?" Lily said.

"Hey." James protested with a frown, nudging Lily. "I've thought about it. I want to be in the police force, or the army, or something."

"Or something." Remus repeated, sounding amused. James held up two fingers in his face, and Remus just laughed. There was a sort of domino effect then, and soon all five of them were chuckling, James hugging Lily to him and Sirius wrapping his arms around Remus and Peter's shoulders.

"It's weird thinking this is never going to happen again." Peter said suddenly, and the laughter died away. Sirius groaned, lolling his head and hiding his face in Remus' shoulder. The skinny boy stiffened.

"Thank you, Wormtail, for ruining the mood so efficiently." Sirius said darkly.

"He can't help it." James smirked, reaching over with his spare hand to ruffle Peter's hair. His expression softened after a moment, becoming almost sad. "And he's right." He gestured vaguely at the grounds. "After tomorrow, we're not going to see any of this again." He paused, and broke into a grin. "Except Moony, we all know he's going to wind up as a teacher."

Remus groaned, and rolled his eyes.

"No, I am not. Now or ever." He insisted, and Sirius laughed, nuzzling his neck.

"Whatever you say, Moony." He let got of his friends, then, stretching slightly and casting a longing look at the castle. "It is weird, though. And I'm going to miss this place a lot. It was home."

"We'll all miss it." Lily agreed softly. "And each other. Who knows what'll happen after school ends?"


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:**** Can you tell I've had a bad case of writer's block lately?**

It was already twilight as Remus stood on the bridge, his arms resting on the stone railings as he looked at the water below. The full moon was reflected in the still black water, a face in a dark mirror. The rest of the city's lights danced like tiny faeries on the river water, but it was the moon that held his attention; it made him uneasy. Full moons always had, and he could not explain why.

He smelt chemical smoke, and, irritated, waved his hands to disperse the insubstantial grey curls that drifted in front of his face. He turned his head to the side to see Sirius, leaning against the cold stone with a cigarette dangling between his lips. He wasn't watching the river, but the other people on the bridge. His eyes followed an attractive couple with their hands in each other's back pockets, and Remus had no idea whether Sirius was looking at the man or the woman.

"That's a disgusting habit." Remus commented. Sirius' gaze flicked over to him, and he removed the cigarette from his mouth, holding it elegantly between two fingers. His hair had grown longer over the summer, and that combined with the natural grace he'd always carried himself with made everything he did seem elegant. It was infuriating.

Sirius exhaled a long stream of smoke in Remus' direction, grinning like a cat.

"You wound me, Moony." He said, looking over the bridge at the river. "Do we have to stand out here while you stare at the sewage? I'm bloody cold."

Remus raised an eyebrow- Sirius was cold, in his long pea coat and combat boots. Not Remus, who was wearing nothing but jeans and a jumper. Of course.

"It's not that bad." He protested. "And I like it out here. The scenery's nice."

"Fine, them, I'm hungry." Sirius amended. Remus hardly believed him, considering it was likely just another excuse to get them off the bridge and away from what his friend viewed as boring, but he'd never been very good at resisting what he wanted.

"I think I saw a Subway earlier." Remus offered reluctantly, nodding back towards where in the city they'd come from. "We could go back there for food."

Sirius beamed.

"Excellent. Come along, Moony." He said cheerfully, putting his hands into the pockets out his coat before heading off down the bridge. Remus followed him, jogging until he caught up enough to walk comfortably alongside him. He watched Sirius for a moment, the moonlight reflecting in his grey eyes and the dog collar he'd taken to wearing around his neck, but looked quickly away before he could be caught staring. He kept quiet, in a vague attempt to show his discontent for being bullied away from the bridge.

The Subway wasn't too far from the bridge, and nor was it busy that time of night. Remus ducked inside after Sirius, who'd already strode confidentially up to the counter. He gestured for his friend to find them a seat. There were only two places to sit, tiny two-person tables beside the front windows of the sandwich shop, but neither were taken. Obediently, Remus sat down at one, more grateful than he would have wanted to admit about the warmth inside.

He tried to watch the steadily darkening streets outside, but soon found himself turning his attention to the inside of the shop, the counter, watching Sirius as he so often had lately. The summer had seemed as long as it had tense- their drunken kiss during their last real night at Hogwarts was unspoken of, the elephant in the room. Remus still had no idea if Sirius even remembered it happening, and it wasn't something he wanted to bring up. It was a memory that he treasured (the ravages of time had worn away the rough edges of it, the smell of alcohol and Sirius reeling away to vomit, and left only a beautiful recollection as shiny and smooth as glass) but one he didn't know how to begin to share. It seemed like an unwise thing to talk to Sirius about. He didn't know how it might affect their friendship, how the other boy might react.

He didn't want to be told that Sirius didn't want to kiss him again.

So he'd kept the memory buried, even though it wore him down throughout the summer holidays like oceans against a rock. He just hoped that after tonight, when he would no longer see Sirius every day, he could begin to move past what had happened, and the affection that he harbored for his best friend. It wasn't healthy- even Lily had told him that. He was not a fictional character, and his pain was not genius.

When Sirius brought their food to the table, Remus ate automatically. He'd bought them both the same meatball sandwich, despite Remus feeling like he should have known by now that he preferred tuna. His gaze finally flicked to the window and the view outside of it, thinking it would be too obvious if he stared at Sirius now. The streets were still oddly busy for the time of night, and there was plenty to watch going on. He only looked away when Sirius spoke.

"I'm sorry you didn't get into Cambridge, Moony." He said softly. Remus turned to look at him, and mirrored the action of setting his food down. Sirius looked almost grave, but Remus just shook his head. It was a small and almost imperceptible movement.

"Don't be. Durham is- Durham is fine." He assured Sirius. Fine, but a second choice nevertheless. His dream was out of his reach. "I never really expected to get in anyway. And I'm closer to my family here." He cleared his throat, smiling faintly across the table. "Still, thank you for coming up here to help me move. It means a lot that I didn't have to do it by myself."

Sirius sat back, relaxed, in his seat, chewing his sandwich thoughtfully.

"Don't mention it." He finally shrugged, shaking his head. "Someone had to come and see you off properly, mate. Besides, I like it here." He paused, watching as two girls came into the Subway. Clothed in little black dresses, Remus would have guessed they were grabbing a meal before a night of bar crawling.

"I like it here very much." Sirius smirked, and Remus held back a sigh. Since their kiss, and the conversation that preceded it, all his leering after girls had appeared somewhat forced. He didn't know if it was something he'd genuinely started noticing, or he was just making it up through wishful thinking. The thought that of every girl he'd ever envied, Sirius had never been attracted to any of them the way he was to Remus, was sinfully indulgent.

"You could have gotten in too, if you'd applied. Your results were good enough." Remus pointed out, but it didn't seem like Sirius was listening anymore- he was watching the girls. The skinnier of the two, a blonde, smiled back at him, while her pretty brunette friend avoided his gaze. Remus rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to be happy if I'm tossed in the corner while you chase some skirt all night." He said sharply. "You just said you came up here to give me a proper send off."

"And what better send off than a shag?" Sirius said, turning back around with a raised eyebrow. Once, that expression had made Remus' stomach flip. It hadn't in a long time, but for the past few weeks he'd felt twelve years old again, even as he prepared to move for university. "You like tits as well as cock, don't you, Moony?"

"That was offensive." Remus frowned deeply, but Sirius just laughed.

"How?" He shook his head. "Fine. Whatever you say, and I'll leave the girls alone. Eat your sandwich, I paid money I don't have for that."

Remus was tempted to make a scathing comment about how Sirius shouldn't have ran away and been disowned because if it if he'd still wanted access to his parents' money, but he resisted it. He'd told himself, time and again, over the years, not to stoop to his level.

They left the shop and returned to the chilly streets once they'd finished their food. It was completely dark outside now, and Remus thought the stars looked like diamonds as he watched them in the sky. Even Sirius had spared them a few moments of his time to gaze upwards.

"It's pretty, isn't it?" Remus ventured as they walked back along the streets, again subconsciously heading for the bridge. They were, he noticed, very close together. He wondered if any of the many passers-by thought they were a couple, or just correctly assumed that they were close friends.

"It is." Sirius agreed, looking back up at the sky with a wry smile. "I'm searching for my namesake, but I don't even know what constellation it's part of." He explained to Remus, who smiled too.

"Canis Major." He supplied helpfully. "It's the dog star, the brightest in the sky." He informed Sirius, who smirked.

"You're just a fountain of knowledge, my Moony." He laughed, gaze still roving the stars. He looked slightly disappointed. "I still can't see it."

"Then you're just not looking hard enough." Remus responded primly, but truthfully, he couldn't see Sirius either.

They walked to the bridge, but before Remus could go back to his previous point of watching over the water, he felt Sirius grab his arm. When he turned, the dark-haired young man nodded at a flight of stairs leaning downwards to- from what he could see- a path along the riverside laden with benches.

"I thought you said you were cold." Remus pointed out.

"It'll be no colder down there than it is up here." Sirius retorted. "Come on, let's explore."

Like every other time, Remus was compelled to obey Sirius and follow him down into the dark, the small stone steps that doubled back on themselves to turn around. They ended up in the shadows underneath the bridge, listening like trolls to the footsteps of the people walking above. Sirius' hand was still on his arm, and he felt it as it moved downwards to link their little fingers together.

Remus looked at him then, from beneath his hair. His face was shrouded with the night, but he still saw him clearly. He thought about their kiss, and their fingers linked together, and he thought about how Sirius was the only one of his friends who'd volunteered to come and help him move into a brand new city and how he was named, so accurately, after the brightest start in the night sky. Then Remus wanted to kiss him again, a fierce and deep ache in his bones.

"What should we do?" Sirius asked, like he hadn't even noticed the look in his friend's eyes, and the spell was broken. "Walk along the river, or somewhere else?"

Remus glanced over Sirius' shoulder at the path. It was lit by moonlight alone, and the branches of the trees that lined it cast shadows on the dark and still surface of the water. It looked eerie, and somewhat beautiful, but he knew enough now about teenagers to decide against the offer.

"I don't think that would be wise." He replied with a shake of his head. "Let's go back to the high street, that's the part I need to be familiar with." The darkness under the bridge made Sirius seem to be very close, and he wasn't sure that he liked it. Sirius looked at him, and smiled like a knife.

"I refuse. There's a high street in every city, let's find something unique." He said, and he gripped Remus' hand instead of simply linking with it gently. He pulled him along, back up from the world under the bridge but not back to the lit-up places where the people still walked and the shops were only just closing. He found himself following him down the rabbit hole, through an adventure of back alleys that felt like a lifetime when it was really only a handful of heartbeats and moments. They ended up outside a vintage shop that had shut for the night some time ago when Sirius stopped, and Remus almost ran into him. He steadied himself at the last moment, looking around and feeling as young as he did alive.

"Why did you stop here?" Remus tilted his head. They were in a small street, with an alley leading off back to the high street. He didn't know what had made Sirius' sudden wanderlust stop until he looked in the direction his friend was pointing.

"Have you seen that?" Sirius laughed, sounding incredulous. "Is that meant to be a cat?"

There was a stuffed something in the window of the shop. It had cat fur and the basic features of a feline, but the taxidermist it had been given to had failed at actually making it look like a cat. Remus found it slightly frightening to look at, but Sirius just seemed amused. He strode over to the window, bending down slightly (Remus didn't look at his arse, not at all) before shaking his head and unceremoniously sitting down on the doorstep of the shop. He patted the space beside him, a wordless invitation.

"There isn't enough space." Remus pointed out. Besides, he didn't really want to turn his back on that cat.

"You could sit on my lap." Sirius suggested, and his eyes flashes. No one was drunk this time, except perhaps on stardust and moonlight and the atmosphere of a strange city, but Remus felt a similar feeling to the one he'd gotten on the night they'd kissed. He wondered what would happen if he did as he was told and sat in Sirius' lap.

"Budge up." He said instead, squeezing himself into the small space that he'd left on the step. He thought that Sirius looked a little disappointed, and willed himself not to care.

They were quiet again, for a time.

"I'm going to miss you while you're at school." Sirius admitted at last, turning to face Remus. "It won't be the same."

"You'll live." Remus said, trying to play things off. Sirius being sober and serious made him a little uneasy- it happened too rarely for him to be comfortable about it.

"I'll still miss you." Sirius countered. Again, they seemed very close together, but this time it was because they really were. He could feel his breath on his face, and Remus wanted to kiss him again.

He wanted to kiss him, but he never did. So Sirius did it for him.

**A/N:**** This has way too much purple prose, but I don't care because it was fun to write and I like purple prose anyway. Forgive any inaccuracies in the setting, it's been nearly a year since I sat on the steps of that shop with the creepy cat.**


	4. Chapter 4

The next time Remus saw Sirius, it was snowing lightly, and the ground was speckled with white flakes.

He knew Sirius had moved out of James' house- he'd been the one to sit and listen his friend rant about how, now that James and Lily were getting a place together, he had nowhere to live. As well as that, he knew that Sirius had eventually found a flat for himself. But he hadn't known that Sirius had spent quite so _much_ of the money his great uncle had left him on the flat in question- he'd been expecting a small, somewhat run-down building, but that was not at all what he actually got. It looked new, and comprised mostly out of glass besides as it towered above him. Student housing wasn't nearly as nice.

Remus paid the taxi driver who had brought him from the train station and headed quickly into the building, head bowed and wishing that his coat had a hood to protect him from the snow.

The lobby was clean and bright, and there were large photographs printed on canvas on the walls. He shifted awkwardly on the spot, praying that he wasn't tracking dirt on the creamy coloured carpet. The lift that he stepped into after a few moments of awkward interaction was silent and spacious, and Remus wrung his hands as he ascended the floors.

He'd missed Peter, and Lily and James, and he was looking forwards to seeing them again- he'd been far too long away from his best friends. But his want to see them again didn't come close to comparing to how desperate he was to talk to Sirius. He had been waiting to see him since that night in Durham, had lain awake in his bed at night and craved him.

Remus closed his eyes for a few moments in the lift, allowing himself to think about their kiss on the steps of the vintage shop. It had been longer and far less desperate than the drunken kiss at Hogwarts; there had been promise in that kiss. Nothing had been said, and Sirius had boarded a train home the next morning without acting like it had even happened. Yet, Remus' memory of Sirius' lips against his was tauntingly slow and soft and left him wanting more. He remembered the glow and the spark in Sirius' eyes, so that they looked silver instead of grey. Those eyes that said, _again, soon_. He'd been trying not to think of what would happen when he visited his friends for Christmas as they'd planned, but sometimes when he got a spare moment away from his homework, he couldn't help it. He'd wanted to be with Sirius for years, and the thought that it might finally happen made insects flutter around inside his stomach as the lift doors opened.

He hurried along the corridor to the door of Sirius' flat, and knocked. From inside, a slightly muffled voice told him to come in. He could hear rock music playing behind the door.

The very moment that Remus pushed the door open, he was bombarded by a blur of teal and orange- Lily, in a new and flattering dress, had launched herself instantly at him and pulled him into a hug. Her feet were off the floor, and the force of the hug- the _tackle_- spun him around to face the corridor again and he hugged her back with a happy laugh. He'd missed her.

As her feet came back down to touch the floor, Lily leaned in to whisper in Remus' ear.

"_I'm so sorry, Remus_."

Remus frowned slightly, leaning back a little so that he could look at her in confusion. Lily's green eyes were wide and apologetic- sad, even, as she shook her head at him just slightly. She walked around him to return to their friends, and Remus followed her.

Lily hugged James tightly, taking the second of the two wineglasses he was holding back from him. They were standing next to the large Christmas tree in the corner, lit by fairy lights and tinsel reflections. Peter sat in a slightly battered looking armchair eating crisps out of a large bowl. Remus had to glance over the room (it was as nice as the apartment building itself, even if the furniture was universally shabby- clearly Sirius had been unwilling to spend too much) before he saw the man he really wanted to see.

Sirius was standing in front of the television with a beer, smiling welcomingly at Remus, and there was someone standing behind him. She was a skinny girl with wild dyed-black hair, in a tight purple dress and a leather jacket that he was sure actually belonged to Sirius. Sirius' arm was wrapped around her shoulders, and though he couldn't see, it looked like her hand would be in his back pocket.

"Moony." Sirius grinned, raising his beer in a miniature toast. "Welcome to my palace. You remember Marlene, right?" He squeezed the girl's shoulders, and she laughed (_a horrible, vapid and ditzy sound_, Remus thought, with surprising maliciousness) and kissed Sirius fondly on the cheek.

"I do." Remus nodded, dazed. Of course he remembered Marlene- the girl who'd been sat in Sirius' lap at their leaving party, the one who Sirius had left behind to come upstairs and kiss Remus. They'd never spoken except to exchange notes in class, but Remus found that he hated her; suddenly, and quickly, and he knew it was irrational and petty, but he hated her. He could hardly breathe for the shock- whatever he'd tried to tell himself, a part of him had believed that this night would go differently. A part of him had believed that Sirius would ask to speak to him privately, or something, and they would talk and kiss again and decide that, yes, they wanted to be together.

Instead, he was standing in front of Remus, grinning, with his arm around Marlene McKinnon.

His daze was broken was James pressed a beer bottle into his hand, clapping him fondly on the back.

"Enough about Sirius' girlfriend, no one cares." James teased, leering at their friend and the girl who clung to him.

"How's university, Remus?" Lily asked politely. The pity in her eyes made him feel ill.

"It's fine." Remus said in a slightly strangled voice, after having to take a few moments to even remember how to speak in the first place. "No, not fine. That is to say, it's more than fine. I love it." He said with a smile. He'd looked away from Sirius, and the words came to him more easily now as he addressed the rest of his friends. "Really, it's all I ever imagined it'd be."

"Sit down, Remus, tell us more about it." Lily suggested, patting the space next to her on the sofa she had just sat down on. Remus did so, but shook his head at the same time.

"I don't think any of you would be interested." He said, honestly. "I'd rather hear about what's gone on while I've been away."

He didn't even glance at Sirius. He didn't trust himself if he saw him holding Marlene again.

"We are interested." Lily assured him, but James began immediately after,

"Have you at least decided what you're going to do in life with an English degree?"

"No." Remus shook his head delicately. "But I still have years to figure it out. Really, I want to know what's been going on here."

"Well, clearly Sirius has got himself a girlfriend." James said, sitting down on Lily's other sides and kissing her quickly.

"To be fair, I think it's more that I got myself a Padfoot." Marlene smirked, breaking away from her boyfriend to sit cross-legged on an armchair, which Sirius promptly moved to lean against. Remus felt a dizzy wave of nausea at her use of the nickname- she had no right to it, that was his instant reaction. _I'm being ridiculous_, he told himself, but that didn't help him to stop. "We met in a bar." She told Remus with a proud smile. "Well, met again. Sirius works there and I showed up and we got talking about how weird it is that we went to the same school for seven years and never really spoke."

"That's essentially everything that's new." Lily said dryly, playing with a few locks of her red hair. Something glittered on her hand. "You knew what I was doing after school, and I think James had already joined the police when you left."

"What about you, Peter?" Remus asked, turning to him. Peter simply shrugged, taking a swig from his beer bottle.

"He's done fuck all." Sirius sneered, shaking his head. Peter's brow furrowed, but he still said nothing.

"There is one other thing." James pointed out, one of his hands resting supportively on Lily's shoulder. "Although we haven't actually told anyone else yet, so it's not just you who's out of the loop."

"We're getting married." Lily beamed. The reaction was instantaneous, rippling around the room: Marlene gasped and laughed, and Sirius spat out his beer and said,

"You're joking."

"Congratulations!" Peter trilled, seeming happy to the point of giddiness, and Remus simply smiled gently at the couple.

"You know you're going to be happy together." He said assuredly. Lily smiled back.

"We thought it was maybe a bit quick." James admitted, hugging her tightly. "But when you think about how long we were together in school, and how long we liked each other before that…" He shrugged. "Who cares, we know it's going to work."

"Right." Sirius said, in the tone of voice that Remus suggested his upbringing had taught him, the one that commanded everyone to listen up and do what he said. "Forget the beer, this is a champagne occasion. I'll pop to the off licence, my treat. Marls, darling, turn up the music."

Marls. Darling. Remus drained almost half of his beer in one swallow, and nearly gagged. He'd never been drunk before, had hardly even drank at all in his lifetime, but tonight seemed as good a time as any to start.

Marlene quickly did as she was told, rushing to the door to kiss Sirius goodbye before he left. It was a long kiss, and passionate enough that Remus wasn't the only one who uncomfortably averted his eyes.

With the music louder and Lily and James falling into romantic conversation, Remus got up from where he'd been sitting. From what he could see, Marlene was dancing and Peter had resumed the same sullen expression he'd worn when Sirius had insulted him, so no one noticed as Remus crossed the living room and pushed open the glass door that led to the balcony.

The word 'balcony' seemed a bit of a stretch for something so small, but when he pulled the door closed and blocked out the sound he was completely isolated from the inside of the flat. It was freezing and still snowing, but he'd still rather have been there than inside.

"I'm an idiot." Remus whispered to himself, laughing softly and wiping at his eyes. He didn't know why Sirius having a girlfriend was so upsetting when he was already so used to seeing him with other people, but there it was. The dangers of false hope, he supposed. He'd been looking forwards to an evening with his friends and maybe, just maybe, a night with Sirius, but now he wished he'd gone to his parents' instead. Or he wished he was still at university- his room mate, Frank Longbottom, was a good friend who was willing to listen to him whine about Sirius. He felt like whining.

The glass door creaked as it opened again, and the footsteps that followed were light, and clicked- someone wearing high heels. He just hoped it was Lily and not Marlene.

"I am sorry." Lily said quietly as she stopped beside Remus, looking at him with sad eyes.

"For what?" Remus asked, holding back a bitter laugh.

"For telling you that Sirius was in love with you," Lily replied. "And that you just had to wait for him to admit it. It looks like we were wrong."

"You don't say." Remus sighed. He was too tired to be sarcastic. "We?"

"I told you James agreed with me, and so did Peter. Even Marlene said that while we were at school she sometimes thought you two were secretly together." Lily told Remus. "I shouldn't have given you false hope like that. We all know Sirius is straight."

Remus remembered Sirius kissing him, and whispering in his ear. _Can I tell you a secret?_

"Yeah." Remus sighed. "So what's your advice now, if I'm not waiting for Sirius anymore?"

"Move on." Lily suggested. "Or keep waiting. I've never seen you even look at someone else in your life." She sounded sad. "It'd be weird to see you want someone else."

"I agree." Remus said with a rueful smile. "Go back inside. They'll be missing you."

"You should come in, too." Lily insisted. "It's Christmas, you shouldn't stand outside on your own."

"It's not Christmas until tomorrow." Remus shook his head. "Really, I want to stay out here, get some air. It's… kind of hard, seeing someone you love with someone else."

"I understand." Lily nodded, and turned to leave him.

After several long minutes quiet contemplation in the snow, Remus' relative peace was disturbed again.

"What are you doing outside?" Sirius asked, frowning at his friend and stepping up to look out at the city beside him. "The party's in there, Moony."

"I wanted some quiet." Remus shrugged slightly. Again, he didn't look at Sirius. He just watched the flakes of white snow falling, regarding them as they melted on the ground. Still, he could feel Sirius frowning at him.

"Your face looks like a slapped arse. What's wrong with you?" Sirius said bluntly. "Come inside. There's presents and egg nog and what have you. You _love_ Christmas, Moony."

"It's not the only thing I love." Remus pointed out. "I love quiet, too."

Sirius was silent for a moment.

"Really, what's wrong?" His voice had gone quieter, softer; beseeching. Finally, Remus turned to him, hurt in his eyes.

"You told me you were gay." He said accusingly, and all of the colour drained from Sirius' face. His eyes were wide.

"I _what_?" He asked incredulously. "_When_?"

"At the part, at Hogwarts." Remus said. "You got drunk, and told me you were gay." In that moment, he was past wanting Sirius- he just wanted answers. He wanted to be told whether or not he had ever truly had a chance, so that he could either start to move on or resume his hopeless waiting for Sirius to love him back.

"Right." Sirius sounded shaken. "I- think I remember." There was something odd about the words, awkward and ashamed. "I thought I was, Remus. I really did. That must be why I told you. But, then I met Marlene and…" He shook his head, smiling a crooked and fond smile that made Remus want to tear up. All he'd ever wanted in his life was for Sirius to smile like that when talking about him. Yet, his eyes were empty as he spoke, and the smile didn't reach them. "She's just something else. I want to stay with her for the rest of my life. I like girls, Moony, and they're all I like."

"You kissed me." Remus threw the words at Sirius, desperate. He couldn't believe what he was hearing, purely because he'd spent the past few months believing (and hoping) that Sirius _was_ gay, and it was Remus who he wanted to stay with. "At the party, and in Durham. You weren't even _drunk_ in Durham, you knew exactly what you were doing."

Sirius simply shrugged and smiled, infuriatingly. Remus clenched his hands into fists at his sides, trying not to smack him

"What can I say, Moony? You like pretty in moonlight." Sirius joked, smirking. "Don't expect it again." The words were the final touch to what had already been an abysmal Christmas Eve. The hopes and prayers that had kept him going through the hectic life at university and the awful train ride earlier in the day had been dashed, and now he was being told that the things he'd already had and treasured had never even mattered.

"_Fuck off_, Padfoot." Remus snarled, and turned away from him.

**A/N:**** Hopefully I managed to convey the time skip in the way I'd been trying to- Remus has been at uni for three months at this point, and is home for Christmas to spend time with his friends.**

**Another, more important author's note is that The Waiting Game will, I'm sorry to say, be going on hiatus from the 1****st**** November. I probably won't even be starting to write Chapter 5 until December- its NaNoWriMo next month, so I'm concentrating wholly on the original novel that I'm writing for it, rather than my fanfiction.**

**If only I could actually decide on my plot.**


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